Hair today

By tonight, we’ve played 40 of the 64 total games in the World Cup. All
the most important things remain unresolved, but it is possible to
reach one tentative conclusion: footballers’ hairstyles are less silly
than four years ago. (‘Silly’ means a hairstyle which, if you
encountered it on a person you knew, would immediately cause you to
think that the only reason they looked like that was because they had
lost a bet.) Last time, Beckham had a sort-of mohican, Seaman had a
ponytail, many of the Latin American players had gigantic perms, and a
colossal number of people had shaved their heads—for one game, I think
it was England v Denmark, there were seven totally bald people on the
pitch.

Last night, in England v Sweden, there were only two shaven-headed
players, Paul Robinson and Henrik Larsson. The stupidest hair belonged
to Christian Wilhemsson, who has a ten-inch stringy bit, too long and
too stringy to be a ponytail, trailing off the back of an otherwise
perfectly normal haircut. The only other person who you could say had
stupid hair was Rio Ferdinand, who was bald four years ago. If you did
say that, however, I’d disagree, because I think his braided hair
rather suits him. But it must be fantastically high-maintenance. On the
other hand, professional footballers do have a lot of time on their
hands, and as Lady Bracknell says, a gentleman should have an
occupation of some kind.

Another candidate for the silly hair award is Brent Sancho. He has
colossal dreadlocks. These are culturally appropriate in every way,
since he’s from Trinidad, but they are silly for the reason Peter
Crouch made apparent when he gave them a firm yank on the way to
climbing over Sancho for England’s first goal—they give opponents
something to pull on. This is why long hair is discouraged among
policemen and soldiers and the like (including martial arts students):
in close combat, a firm tug on the hair is an unanswerable move.
Thinking about it, central defenders, who do a lot of heading, are the
footballers least likely to have big hair.

Probably the worst hair in this World Cup belongs to the same person
who had it in the last World Cup, the Argentine midfielder Juan Pablo
Sorin. Our planet has millions of poodles who would come second to
Sorin in a poodle-lookalike competition. This was true four years ago
and it is still true today.

No, the big news on the hair front is not so much any single hairstyle
as the trend for men to wear Alice bands. The first footballer I saw do
this was David Beckham, after Alex Ferguson kicked the boot which hit
him in the face and caused him to need two stitches above his eye, and
also, it turned out, to change his hairstlye to show the stiches off.
He soon tired of that, as he does, but the fashion seems to have caught
on among footballers from Latin countries. Nothern Europeans, Asians,
Africans and Middle-Easterners don’t wear Alice-bands, but Southern
Europeans and Latin Americans do. As I write, the Alice-band wearing Maniche
of Portugal has just scored a goal partly manufactured by the
Alice-band wearing Tiago. This must, I suppose, be one of those
reverse-psychology macho things: ‘I am so butch I can wear a hair accessory which
is otherwise the exclusive property of upper-middle class Englishwomen
and 12-year old girls.’

Comments

[Diablevert]

The hairstyle adopted by the Swedish gentleman --- and by an Argentiniam player as well --- is known as the rattail, and for a time in the early 80s, it contended with the mullet for most popular hairstyle among the monster-truck-rally-loving segement of the American population. Much like the mullet, the contagation briefly spread to the public at large, but in our enlightened times the scourge has been almost fully exterminated.

[WC fan]

seems a bit harsh to criticise bald people for their "hairstyle". It is not a decision, but a reaction, and definitely rates well on your references to not being high maintenance or capable of being tugged.

If someone is going a bit light on top, would it better meet your subjective definition of acceptability if they persisted with a Bobby Charlton style combover? No, of course not - that would be entirely silly.

The zero blade is the only thing for it.

[Tom]

Not to mention Steve McClaren's tufty forelock, which, alone out in front of his otherwise receding hairline, looks as incongruous as Peter Crouch at the head of a 4-5-1 formation.

[Cryptic Ned]

Probably the worst hair in this World Cup belongs to the same person
who had it in the last World Cup, the Argentine midfielder Juan Pablo
Sorin.

I disagree; there is a new contender since the last World Cup.

It's hard to find a well-lit picture of him, but here's one that gives you an idea what his hair looks like. Think beaded lampshade.

UPDATE: There appears to be no way to point someone to a website in these comments, but I'm speaking of the Angolan player "Loco".